


Prevarication

by natlet



Category: due South
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-25
Updated: 2006-07-25
Packaged: 2017-10-03 01:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natlet/pseuds/natlet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He can tell Fraser still wants to fight him over Stella sometimes, and he feels kind of bad about it, but doesn't know how to tell him there's nothing he can do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prevarication

1\. Lies  
He swears to god he's over her, for real, not just saying that, but sometimes he still finds himself missing his best friend. Ray tries real hard not to think about it, because he promised - promised her he was going to get over her, promised he would stop calling at three in the morning, promised he would stop writing her love letters. Promised he would let go. And he's trying, thinks he's starting to get there a lot of the time, but sometimes he'll still get that old urge. He'll be listening to the radio and a song he always imagined was about her would come on. It's not so bad that he feels like he has to pull off the road any more, but he still feels something deep and pulling in his gut.

She's his best friend, his other half, the only person who understood him. He's desperate to know who's going to finish her sentences, who will get her sense of humor, who she'll talk to when she's upset, because since they were kids it's been him and only him. He drives to their old neighborhoods in the middle of the night, parks and walks up and down the streets, watching the newspaper delivery guys and the trash collectors, trying to figure out how the hell she could do this to him. He just wanted to love her, couldn't she see that? Was that really so terrible of him?

What he wants to do is ask her, call her, show up at her door, but he promised he wouldn't, so he doesn't. And he guesses she thinks everything is okay, thinks that this never talking to him, never seeing him is the "we can be friends" that she promised. He misses her, but he keeps it to himself, tries not to think about how she used to smile, how her eyes looked when she leaned in close to tell him a secret. Tried not to remember her laugh, the real one that even he only got sometimes.

It's summer now, and summer's always the worst because it's when they did so many things together - stayed up late and fished off the pier, snuck into bars before they were old enough to go, went to concerts and danced until sweat poured off their bodies and their laughter was breathless and silent. The streets are dirty and the air is humid and smells like fish, and the only thing he ever figures out is that he can't stop loving her, he just can't.

 

2\. Truth  
He can tell Fraser still wants to fight him over Stella sometimes, and he feels kind of bad about it, but doesn't know how to tell him there's nothing he can do. He guesses if he was a good guy, the kind of true guy Fraser deserves, he'd chuck the pictures and the letters and let her go for real, bye-bye baby, have a nice life.

Most people would think he'd done a pretty good job, was pretty well over her. Of course, that was the goal, because maybe if he could get everyone to believe he wasn't in love with Stella, he wouldn't be any more. He's trying his best to forget but she's so ingrained that sometimes he won't even notice he's spaced out and thinking about her, but that night Fraser will put his back to Ray in bed and pretend to be asleep, which is how he started dealing with it once he figured out that yelling wasn't going to work.

Ray figures Fraser just got tired of having the fight, because it's always the same when it's about Stella. Fraser won't listen to how Ray's trying, but he can't just cut her out, because then he'll have a big fucking hole in him. Fraser figures he should be enough to plug it up and keep Ray alive, even with a Stella-hole. Ray doesn't have the heart to tell him that nobody can do that for him but Stella.

So Fraser gets frustrated and yells, and Ray cries because he feels bad, and Fraser cries because Ray's crying and he gets pissed off at the whole thing and sulks for days. He guesses Fraser decided one day to just give up, stop trying, because he doesn't even bother to get upset any more. He just ignores it, acts like nothing's wrong, drags Ray right along with him.

In some ways, ignoring it, just pretending everything is normal, works a little better. He wonders if this is what Stella's been doing all along.

 

3\. Honesty  
He loves going out to feed the dogs in the mornings, the sun casting pastel rainbows across the sky, the snow squeaking under his boots. Dief comes with him, galloping off into the trees around the cabin to take his morning piss, usually rejoining Ray just as he finishes the trek across the yard and down the hill to the kennel. They've got a pretty smart team this year, and some nice pups they're training, and Ray chats with the dogs as he drops chunked rabbits and beef into their bowls. They listen attentively, but they don't really get him, their breath fogging in the cold air as their eyes track the meat in Ray's hands. He stays and watches them while they eat, letting Dief help him sort out the minor squabbles and pack posturing from real aggression, then heads back up to the house.

Fraser might be in bed but there'll be coffee ready, and Ray will sit at the table and read CNN on his laptop. Usually by the time he makes his second pot, Fraser will be up and dressed and thinking about breakfast. Their cabin is small, and Ray has to pull his chair in close to the table so Fraser can stand at the stove and fry bacon, but he just leans forward and Fraser sits on the back of the chair and it all works out. He reads interesting or funny headlines to Fraser, and Fraser laughs sometimes, or has some comment. Sometimes when they're cleaning up after breakfast Ray feels like they're dancing, spinning around each other from the table to Dief's bowl to the compost to the sink.

He loves a lot of things about their cabin, about Canada. He'll just be doing something basic, stacking firewood or tinkering with the snowmobile, and he'll realize he's got a big stupid grin on his face, or he's humming under his breath, and he'll shake his head and think you asshole, you got it good and go right along humming.

They get a card, after they've been up there a while, addressed to the two of them. Fraser brings the mail home but he leaves this envelope sitting on the table, waiting for Ray to come in from the woodshed. He picks it up and flips it over, reads his and Fraser's address on the front, doesn't even have to look at the return address to know who it's from, because he could never forget that handwriting.

Ray looks at it, studies the careful script, the thick, creamy paper of the envelope. He guesses it's announcing something happy in her life, a kid or a new job, but he doesn't open it; just stands there for a long time, holding it, waiting for a kick in the chest that isn't going to come.

After a few minutes, he opens the fireplace and tosses it casually in. When Fraser asks him later, cautiously, if he's read the mail, he looks at him like he's got three heads and asks "What mail?" and grins.


End file.
